Crawl

by B.T.
One of the worst dates I’ve ever had was of course a set up. You know, a friend who knows someone who knows someone who knows nothing about what your type is but “pimps you out” because they want to be responsible for you meeting the love of your life. You know the kind of friends who have those speeches ready for when you get married.
(clinks on a fake glass) Clink, clink, clink. Excuse me everyone, I just want to say I knew these two were meant for each other when I set them up. Aren’t I great or what!”

Well, Eric and I talk on the phone and he sounds nice enough. He works in the pen department at a stationery store. I can see our kids now, MontBlanc, Waterman and Bic.
Eric wants to take me to a football game.
“Great”, I lie.
He says, ”Do you like football?”
“Hmmm.”
“Oh good, cuz there’s this game I don’t want to miss.”
“What time?”
“We should be there at 5. Wear something warm. It’s going to be cold as shit out there.”
“I’ll bring warmers for my pom-poms.”
I get no response and then he laughs. “I am so glad you are funny. ”
“Oh, you don’t even know. How will I know it’s you?”
“I’ll call your cell phone when I get close to the entrance, or I’ll hold up a big sign with your name on it.” He laughs.

I get to the stadium and I swear everyone knows that I am there for a date. I have this look of frustration, like please, “Let’s get this over with.” And by the way, it is cold as shit. My cell phone rings and I am looking everywhere. The connection ends up being really bad, so all I hear is static. Then I see a man holding a big card with my name on it.
“SAMANTHA.” Oh God, please let someone else by the name of Samantha be here.

Our seats were way up high and you could barely make out the team colors. People are yelling at both sides, cursing at each other. Popcorn is flying around, the air smells like dried beer and nachos. Eric starts yelling, “ Control, control!!!” I didn’t even know what that meant. Then, he gets on the seat and starts screaming, “Botch it, botch it. Botch!!!”
It sounded like botch it. Do people yell those kind of things? I don’t know. I just want to go home. Then he sits and starts.
“I know this is not the perfect way to get to know someone, but I feel uncomfortable when it’s just me and the other person. Especially when it’s a blind date.
You know, I just thought, this is a good way for you to see me and get who I am without me trying to be fake. I love football. I will yell at games. I don’t drink. I love swearing. I like going out and meeting people. You look nice and I am attracted to you. I think we’re gonna have a great time tonight. I’m horrible at getting back to people. You probably won’t hear from me after this date. It’s just the way I am. “

I then said, “ I like to drink. Not a lot, but I do enjoy an evening cocktail. I hate when people don’t call me back. I think it’s rude and cowardice. Oh, and I hate football. I hate sports. I think people who dress up and yell at games are animals….and I love swearing…too. With all that, believe it or not, I am having a great time. And that’s who I am.

He then, sat in closer to me and put his arm around me, trying to keep me warm. He then pressed his face against my hair and breathed in. I could feel his lips pressed against my hair. He then started to sing, Bell Bottom Blues near my ear, real low. “Do you want to see me crawl across the floor to you. Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back. I’ll gladly do it. I don’t want to fade away….I don’t want to fade away.”

I fell in love that night and that’s what made it the worst date of my life.